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UMPIRE HOROSCOPES
Like any other part of society which is naturally marginalised, downtrodden and desperate for a meaning in life to guide them through their unfortunate situation, umpires are keen readers of horoscopes. This issue we provide them with their specific readings which have in no way been ripped off or found in the draw of a drunken journalist at The Daily Mirror.


ARIES (21 March - 20 April)
Mars opposes Jupiter for you this week so you are likely to be trigger happy on those lbws, especially those where it was marginal it could have pitched outside leg stump. A good week in terms of relationships as both captains are likely to buy you drinks after your current match in an attempt to curry favour. Let them and remember to give them that extra little bit of benefit of the doubt.

TAURUS (21 April - 21 May)
This is the time for you to experiment a little with your umpiring signals. You know there is a new scorer in the box at Hove, so try a very subtle leg stroke for leg byes and shout excessively loudly when a no-ball occurs. Aspects to Saturn suggest somebody on the Warwickshire staff is likely to play a practical joke on you leading to hilariously excessive levels of salt in your lunch at Edgbaston.

GEMINI (22 May - 21 June)
With Venus rising in its ascendancy, it is probable that you will be calling a lot of no-balls this week. You don't normally bother with checking the line, but you are quite distracted and looking down at your feet as the bowler bowls. As a result Sreesanth will likely take ten minutes to finish an over. Aspects of Neptune in your mother sign also mean you will soon grow bored of signalling and lose your voice.

CANCER (22 June - 22 July)
Rather like an umpire standing in a club match, you will lose count several times in a rather dull evening session at Derby. As Saturn opposes Pluto in your arc this week, nobody will notice this indiscretion other than Peter Willey who will be grumbling and muttering from square leg all the time. Be sure to offer jelly beans to the batting side in a pathetic attempt to be amusing, the joke has passed.

LEO (23 July - 22 Aug)
Aspects to Venus mean that you will become confrontational with bowlers this week - especially Dominic Cork. Don't worry, this is a natural state of affairs and he likes it. On a personal front, you will be delighted to be given your first televised game to stand in a day/night match at Edgbaston. But it will lash it down and you will have to be content with looking like an ASDA shelf-stacker on national TV.

VIRGO (23 Aug - 22 Sept)
With both Mercury and Mars in conflict this week it is clear you should refrain from giving any wides unless absolutely necessary. Both sides will be keen to maintain their over-rates and will also seek to produce the joke bowlers by 5.30pm on the last dead day of four, to rush through a few overs and avoid penalty fines. Do your best to hold this up by insisting the bowler shouts his own name before running up for every delivery.

LIBRA (23 Sept - 22 Oct)
Life is great at the moment, thanks to your positive aspects from a collision of Neptune and Saturn. Your week will start off well as you have the opportunity to trigger Kevin Pietersen for a duck at The Rose Bowl, then can compound this by forcing Shane Warne to bowl at the other end to get any decisions to counter-balance this. Try to round this all off by shouting random statements at Hants Keeper Nic Pothas in a mock Greek accent like Stavros.

SCORPIO (23 Oct - 21 Nov)
Your financial circumstances will receive a much-needed boost this week, thanks partially to you having a tenner on a drawn match at Taunton - over four gloriously sunny days you should hold up play several times thanks to reflections off car windows. With Saturn in ascendancy, you will also benefit from a short appearance on Radio Five on Darren Gough's evening show, where you will have nothing new to say, spew out a load of cliches and will fit in superbly.

SAGITTARIUS (22 Nov - 20 Dec)
The consternations decree that you must tread carefully this week, as the ECB umpire inspector will be in attendance at your four-day game at Bristol. As you will be assessed one-to-one at the end of every session and expected to write a full report on your own performance, make sure you do not get caught having your usual 'snifter' from your whisky toddy (do this in the toilets). Do not under any circumstances offer him one.

CAPRICORN (21 Dec - 19 Jan)
The menacing presence of both Mars and Jupiter in opposition means it is likely someone on the pitch will call your judgment into question. This is especially likely if you are standing in a game involving foreigners or any England players back at their counties. Do not report them to the disciplinary committee however, this will only mean more paperwork for you and an unnecessary trip to Lord's for their hearing. Ensure you also question the state of a match ball at least once.

AQUARIUS (20 Jan - 19 Feb)
Aspects in Saturn mean you will struggle to maintain concentration and will be subjected to the standard umpiring practical joke when for the first ball of a new day's play the batsmen will deliberately stand at the wrong ends to see if you notice. Your fellow ump will be in on it so beware. As your material consternation arc is a straight one you should be able to fire out both batsmen within ten minutes of play's resumption.

PISCES (20 Feb - 20 Mar)
Being the water sign you are doomed to be officiating at all rain affected games so have your galoshes with you to be prepared. Few of the players will respect you this week, as you will arbitrarily give leg byes as runs and vice versa, just for fun. With your true lack of presence and respect among modern-day players on the circuit, do not attempt to socialise with them or they will slag you off behind your back and imply you can't take a drink.

 


 

 

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