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The TV Times

(from issue 26)

5.05 Rhubarb and Mustard
Our evening's entertainment kicks off with the Durham wicketkeeper's rant against puerile journalism that insists on headlines such as "Keen as Mustard" and "Mustard adds bite". Next week, why I hate the headline "Cut the Mustard"

5.30 Meal or No Meal
This week Rob Key is the portly cricketer who is asked TV's most tantalising question, "Meal or No Meal". What will he do, eat or not. The Times described last week's episode with Ian Blackwell as "Gripping".

6.00 Hick-leberry Fin-ish?
As Graeme Hick looks forward to retirement, a long list of Z-List celebrities tell us their favourite Hick related moments. In no way were they given a half hour Hick show reel before going on so that they looked like they knew what they were talking about.

7.00 Top Gear
This week's cricketer in a sensibly priced car is Jacques Kallis. Sadly the drive was cancelled as he had car trouble. Something to do with the choke.

8.00 Who Wants to be a Millionaire
Sir Allen Stanford introduces this weeks contest where cricketers of limited ability get to earn more in a match than some of cricket's greats have ever done.

9.00 Classic Who Wants to be a Millionaire
England's representatives in the Stanford Cup explain why earning vast sums of money for one match will in no way lead to resentment in the County changing rooms

10.00 Should I stay or should I go?
Hilarious new sitcom where Darren Gough says he is retiring, but then doesn't...and carries on. Not the best premise for a sitcom, but who would have thought that My Family would run so long? Seriously?
Gough: is he or isn't he?

11.00 Oval and Lord
Tough new action series starring Ross Kemp and Robson Green as two detectives who have names like cricket grounds and just happen to get put together. Oh, and they don't get on. But they do get results

12.05 Close (due to rain)
But don't bother trying to get any money back from The Oval, it's not worth the effort.