Changing and shower room conduct - the do's and don'ts
Do exercise great reserve when applying Ralgex whilst in the company of your teammates.
Don't apply so much of the stuff you chemically burn the eyes and noses of all your colleagues before a ball has even been bowled.
Do time your usage of the changing room to be comfortably before or after the people positioned next to you.
Don't fail to time your changing accordingly and fasten your shoes whilst the man next to you is naked from the waist down. Especially if he's fat and hairy. And sweaty.
Do wait patiently for a spot in the shower which affords you ample space for free movement.
Don't ever try to squeeze in to the second berth of a two-man shower.
Do employ secure fastenings for your showering products (shower gel etc).
Don't think about picking anything up when it drops to the shower floor, unless you are in there alone.
Do fold clothes or try to claim one of the three hangers that will be randomly positioned about the dressing room upon arrival.
Don't hang your shirt on the little hook for the day as it only acts to form a small nodule on the back of your neck which gives you the appearance of a man smuggling a Cluedo piece around.
Do ensure you are fully supplied with all the necessary kit elements required for a game of cricket, such as a box.
Don't ever return a borrowed box full of pubic hair and / or liquid, especially if you never had permission to fill it so in the first place.
Don't refer to any of your cricketing comrades in any such way as to be taken as slightly homo-erotically.
Do make sure that any such comment is said about someone in the room so as to look like a piss-take rather than genuine admiration / adoration for your fellow man.
Do make sure than any derogatory talk about any or all of your team-mates does not coincide with said people walking in to the room.
Don't waste the opportunity to slate any or all of your colleagues whilst they are safely in the middle or, alternatively, umpiring.
Don't use a cricket day to debut any new but slightly controversial underwear.
Do keep undergarments as clean as possible and never wear your wife's - don't let your mates see behind the curtain
Do consider carefully whether eggs, beans, curry, Chinese and any other spicy food are meals becoming of a man about to share much of the rest of his day with other men in the confines of a small room.
Don't ever think that you can get away with letting a silent one slip out. It'll always be more potent than you expect.
Don't, for the sake of your team-mates, follow the fashion of buying a bag big enough to pack your two week holiday in.
Do make an example of any such berk by subtly putting items of heavy club kit in his bag whilst he isn't around.